I heard the words on a Spring morning as I was struggling to break free from the embrace of sleep. “Not my will but Thine be done.” They lingered in the air as if they were a misplaced star in the heavens. What did this mean? I knew this was the Holy Spirit speaking within me, yearning for a different path, one which I thought may be filled with struggles and grief. I mean Jesus said these words right before he was crucified. Right? Yet I don’t believe that the Holy Spirit gave me a choice. There was not a question mark at the end of this revelation but a period. It was a statement for my life. I had begun on the path of transformation.
It took me a few months to realize that I needed to escape from the bondage of some past relationships. Men whom had lured me into following the desires of my flesh were to be weeded out of the garden of my life. But some of those men were Christians. They had done so much to help me out, I argued, didn’t I need to keep them as friends? I realized when I searched my spirit they were the vexation that troubled me the most. So I have released them to God. If they are truly Christian He can help them find a wife (not me). I know for certain I am not supposed to be yoked with anyone that fed my flesh and starved my Spirit in the process. That is a living death.
I was still tempted to indulge my idol of self worship. I mean God didn’t want me to isolate did He? I have some very beautiful pictures that have been taken of me and when I put them on dating websites I get quite the traffic. Then I get a lot of free dinners and a lot of men wanting to lead me down the path of sexual immorality. I don’t have any desire for premarital sex. What I do have is a desire to have intimacy in the covenant of marriage, where God is present. It was apparent that even the men on Christian Mingle were looking for a roll in the hay. After I testified to them about my view on premarital sex there was never a second date. I praise God for that, keeping me pure in that sense is a big victory for Him and me both.
Yet I was still craving distraction from God’s purpose. Sometimes I want to go out. I mean staying at home is kind of a drag on the weekends. So I put my picture up on Elite Singles. I took it down the very next day and within a week deleted my profile entirely. I realized that those dating sites were a waste of time. It was me trying to find my mate instead of giving it over to God.
As I sought to displace the distractions in my life that were keeping me from God, I became involved in two Bible studies. I have also been known to attend two different churches on the weekend. Then God led me to start a Bible study this weekend for women. I have become so busy it is amazing. I can truly say that I have never been happier in my life. To break free from the bondage of sin is such an energy producing high. I told the leader of one of my Bible study groups that I was having so much fun with God I thought it should be illegal.
Yet some of my friends worry about me. They are dear friends and I love them and am grateful for their concern. They wonder how I can do all that I am doing and not become exhausted and burnt out? This is my answer. I have searched the Word of God to verify that my intense energy and concentration comes from the source who gives eternal life and I have found a scripture in Isaiah 40:28-31: “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (NIV)
I am telling you that hope in the Lord is a much better high than any drug and gives strength and more energy than any protein drink. It is sin which weighs you down, not sacrifice.
