I first wrote about Ray Rice in my post on ESPN. http://www.spotublog.com/espn/ ‎

There has been a lot of talk about how his wife is supporting him. There may be some people who think that is so sweet that she is standing up for her man.

But is it the right thing to do? I mean, if you support someone doesn’t that mean that you are in favor of what they have done?

Furthermore if what they have done is wrong, then are you not enabling them to do more wrong?

I dated a man in college who was abusive and I almost lost my life to his insanity. My ex-husband was also abusive. He choked me several times and one time slapped me so hard when I was pregnant that I did actually see stars.

The college boyfriend I broke up with after he threatened my life at gun point. My abusive ex I stayed with for twelve years.

Looking back on my marriage I have realized why I stayed in a clearly abusive relationship for so long. I made the mistake of thinking that his abuse was my fault. I kept thinking if I just changed into the kind of person he wanted,the abuse would stop. Meanwhile I lost sight of who I was and what made me happy.

In listening to interviews with Janay Rice I have heard her say that “she needs to take responsibility for what she did wrong in the confrontation that night.”

She’s got that wrong, under no circumstances should a woman ever get slapped, hit or choked. It is never the responsibility of a victim to assume ownership of an abuser’s act of violence. If you do, you are actually making them weaker and allowing them to continue in their weakness.

It is important to disengage from relationships which are abusive or even have the potential for abuse. If you do so, you may actually be helping the abuser face the reality of his abuse with truth, instead of lies.

If they are man enough they will admit their abuse and seek counseling to reform. If they aren’t, at least you will still be alive.