Rome was not built in a day but I am sure if I had been in charge it would have been. You see I think that if a good thing is to happen it had better happen quickly and succinctly and if it doesn’t I become mad.

Most of you know that I have reconnected with a boyfriend I chose to walk away from for over 1.5 years.

He had spent the time away from me seeking God. God met him and told him to forgive me.

When I first met him after our time apart I could not believe the change in him. He seemed self assured and confident. We laughed at all of the wonderful memories we had shared. Even the stupid fights we had.

Recently I detected his insecurity again and I became very angry. I was not only angry at him but also at God. “I thought You changed him, then why is he still insecure?” I screamed out at God.

I wanted to run again. I felt caged in by his love and I doubted my ability to wash the insecurity from his soul. I was frustrated and angry.

I discussed my feelings with my dear friend, Erica, who knows my boyfriend and who is a friend to both of us. She did not take sides which is why I love her so much. She merely said I needed to set limits.

I also confided in my mother. She said the same thing. I am so thankful for these two wise women.

Then I prayed and prayed about it, focusing on our next weekend together, wondering if the problem would appear again.

The problem revolved around the time I am spending on this blog. I am developing something for this blog which is extremely time intensive and unlike Rome I can not build it in a day.

Unfortunately I misled my boyfriend this weekend, after spending all of Sunday with him. When we got home I led him to believe that he could stay longer in the evening than what I was planning on.

After cleaning up from the lake day we had I was then ready to get back to work. I wasn’t nice about it either.

He was hurt and his insecurity became apparent again.

This drives me crazy because this man is so handsome, so intelligent and so popular that to think that he has any insecurity at all is just like crazy.

I don’t know how to get rid of it but I think that I contribute to his insecurity by some of my actions and my behaviors. As I pray more about this relationship and continue to discuss these issues with him I realize how much I need to change.

He meanwhile has said many times he is the one who should change.

I suspect it may take both of us.

I feel so loved by him sometimes that it can be almost suffocating. I am not used to love like that. I think sometimes I don’t know how to accept love from others because it has been a foreign concept in my life. I didn’t feel loved as a child, I didn’t feel loved as a wife and there were times I have felt hated as a mother. (If you have teenagers you know all about that “hate Mom” stage)

As I struggle to accept him and the way he loves I have realized one thing.

I need to tear down the walls which have shielded my heart.

I have not done this for anyone ever.

Those walls have stopped monsters in the past. For if you don’t love or stop loving someone they fail to render access to your heart. They can try to hurt you but they will be unsuccessful because you really just don’t give a damn.

I have not even be tempted to lay waste to the walls before. They have protected me from others which chose to do evil.

So now I must do this, not so much for me, but for him.

I think the key to his insecurity lies not within him but within me. As long as the walls are standing he will never feel loved completely. For a heart which is protected and guarded stop attacks coming in but it also renders love flowing out an incapable act.

This will require constant communion with God. Relentless crying out to Him to show me what walls I do not need anymore and, in all reality, I may have never needed.

In the Bible it says we are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. I wonder if tearing down some of the walls which protect our hearts is a part of that process?