I married when I was 22 years old and married someone who was 3 years younger than me. Why I did that I couldn’t tell you. It was a big mistake.
Since that point in time I have been trying to raise that man to be a considerate and mature adult. I haven’t had much luck with that.
Just recently he showed me again that he has no sense of maturity in how he deals with situations.
I have one son who lives in Florida. The other two children live in Texas. This son would love to come home for Christmas. Unfortunately I can not afford to fly him here. His dad can.
Instead of talking with me about this and asking me if I could help with flight expenses his dad reserved a one way ticket for him to fly to Texas and told my son that I would have to pay for his way back.
I was not asked if I could afford this. My son called me kind of freaking out and usually in the past I always would cough up the money for him when his dad pulled shit like this. I realized when I did that in the past I was just playing right into the jerk’s hands.
This man has cleaned me out financially and recently got over $6,500 from my IRA but yet he can’t pay for a round trip plane ticket for my son?
He is a narcissistic jerk and he is so good at playing the victim. While he takes money from me he constantly is playing on my kid’s emotions trying to make them feel sorry for him because he has such a “terrible” life.
I have raised three amazing children. I have tried to raise him but I guess you have to start when a person is young to be able to teach them how to treat people with respect.
Unfortunately his parents weren’t responsible parents so I guess there is no hope for the man.
The one thing I have learned over the past year is to stop cleaning up all of the messes he makes for the family. As long as I keep rewarding him he will keep pulling this shit.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Gracie, I was raised to be a great dad. When I first held that little tiny baby I was hooked. Both my ex and I were very dedicated to being the best parents we could be which makes the behavior of my ex so perplexing. We would play Mozart on my ex’s belly while the baby was still in the womb. When she was born I read to her every night and we listened to language tapes and Mozart every night. When she was 18 months old I would read the bible to her every night and we would lay down and talk about what we had just read and what it meant. So, I guess you could say I raised her on Love, Jesus, and Mozart.
Which brings me to the ex. She did everything possible to give our daughter the best chance. She hired a nanny instead of day care. Got her into the best pre-schools and got a job at a private school so the daughter could go there 1/2 price. In retrospect I don’t know if she was doing that for my daughter’s sake or because our friends were doing the same thing and she wanted to keep up.
She did say one thing that was true. We have different goals in life. Her goals are to travel the world and to spend lavishly. My goal, and the only one worth having when you have kids is to give them a safe, loving, supporting home to grow up in. So the ex went on lavish trips and spent lavishly (on herself) while I raise the child. Unfortunately my daughter barely recognizes me any more because of the affects from the abuse. I keep trying to break free and some days I feel like I am almost there, but 26 years of memories are hard to forget, especially those that were good. However, this feeling I have in my gut, my heart, my entire body was first felt 13 years ago with the first betrayal when she stayed out until 3AM with no phone call and she wouldn’t answer the phone. That was the first betrayal of my trust and it meant nothing to her.
Gracie,
Why do they do that to us, especially in how it relates to money. The ex’s know we are struggling financially and so they target that weakness I guess. Perhaps its the N’s desire to hurt us by either making us feel bad about ourselves or making us look “less than” in the eyes of others, especially our children.
Heartless dark souls is what they are.
Yea, it is really a “Mind fuck” but it works out to their benefit. Either you look like the loser who won’t cough up the money or you cough up the money again and again until you seriously don’t have any more money. It is a win win for them but eventually the kids will figure it out. I just wrote both of my two older children a letter stating how much money their dad had cheated me out of in child support and also how much I had paid in addition to paying child support when he had custody. I am writing a novel about all of the shit I have been through and I hope to get it done quickly and get it published so that the public can be aware of all of the injustice.
The important thing is not to play into the N’s hands. I have done that way too often and it just screws me over every time.
Gracie,
Yes, “Mind Fuck” is a accurate description, but also “Soul Rape” works as well. Their objective is your personal destruction which is contrary to what your objective is, which is balance and reasonableness. I have told you about the dental bill and the ski trip bill and I have one wild card that I am reluctant to play, but if I must I will. And I think it is time.
The girl on the other side was once my one and only, who I adored and cherished. At the divorce mediation I expected that we would just divide all the assets and financial obligations for our daughter equally. Boy, was I mistaken. My cost factor for my daughter is over $1000 per month and the ex pays nothing, even though she makes more money than I do, and her family is worth millions. My daughter even told me that on the day of mediation I wasn’t capable of much. I was a mess on that day and still am.
So here is my choice. During the mediation the car my wife drives was awarded to her. The car my daughter drives was awarded to me. ( Ye, right and the $340 monthly payments and $150 monthly insurance, and the $150 in monthly gas) So here is the problem. The car the ex wife drives is in my fathers name. He holds the title. 5 years ago he took $12,000 out of his savings to buy the car out of lease. We, me and the ex, were supposed to get a loan and pay him back which we never did.
So, when dealing with a vindictive pathological narcissists sometimes its better to not hit the beehive, because once I take that car, there is going to be a hole lot of trouble, and I am concerned mostly because it will be directed at my daughter
What do you think? The car is worth about $10,000. I think I’ll take it.
Be prepared for the backlash. What could she do to your daughter? Do you need the money? I would weigh my options and if you do it make sure you think it through completely.
Gracie, first you have to understand how close my daughter and I are. She is 17 and a really good kid. I have been the maternal influence ( nurturing, teaching, guiding) and fraternal influence (typical dad stuff). She tells me everything and I am always honest with her. She knows I will drop everything to be there for her and she knows her mom will not. But she really loves her mom and desperately wants to have a relationship with her.
Let me give you a couple examples. Easter has always been a really big deal in the ex’s family. Totally secular, non religious important. The mom has always made a big basket of stuff for my daughter, new swim suits, CDs, DVDs Books, clothes, etc. A mini Christmas. Easter 2013 they were supposed to meet between 5 and 6 Pm to have their time together. Daughter was with me at the time and was waiting for the call from mom. Finally daughter called mom who was at a party and said she would call later. The call never came. My daughter cried in my arms for 2 hours that night.
Mothers day. That day was my official day but daughter tells me she will be with mom. I am so cool with that. They will meet for brunch at 1 and spend the day together. I tell daughter if for some reason you find yourself alone, my brother is having a mothers day dinner for my mom and his mother in law. At 4 PM my daughter calls and asks if that offer still stands. Daughter spent mothers day with me.
Daughter and mom planned a trip to OK this recent OCT for a volleyball tournament my daughter was playing in. Mom gets invited to something more fun. Mom asks daughter if its OK if she doesn’t go. Daughter says “No its not OK, we have been planning this trip since May” Mom says to bad, call your dad. She did, and I went to the tournament.
My daughter went on a mission trip this summer to Nicaragua and learned a lot. She decides on her own that she will raise money for the church where she worked down there. Decides to bake cookies for $10 a dozen. Sells 88 dozen and raises $780 for the church. Mom is in Hawaii with her new boyfriend. Dad takes daughter to Costco and buys 40 lbs of flour, 20 lbs of sugar, lots and lots of butter, get mix master out and start baking. Cookie pick up is at mom’s house. Daughter takes cookies to moms, but no mom. Mom crashed at boyfriends house
Your daughter is so blessed to have you as a dad. Wow. You so impress me. I would say do what you want dear.
Your ex is only going to think about herself. Obviously your daughter is smart and knows who loves her and she has you to back her up.
I can not understand your ex’s obsession with herself, I wonder how her mother treated her?
I know that my mother was not happily married but she stayed in the marriage because she loved her family and she didn’t want to break up the family.
There have been times that I have not liked my mother because she has some bitterness in her soul but the more I mature the more I realize the effort she has made to show us kids how much she loved us.
Despite what your ex may have endured as a child we all are responsible for our own actions as adults.
In my own personal battle I have had to ask myself why I am taking my ex back to court for all of the child support he cheated me out of? Is it revenge that I want? Or is it justice?
If I take revenge then I stop the revenge of God which is the best revenge, for God can see into the hearts of man.
If you take that car back and give it to your daughter so that she can have it for college or sell it to reimburse some of the costs that you have incurred as the terrific dad you are then I think it is ok.
But if you have more than enough money and are doing it just to hurt your ex I would ask you to examine your heart.
Your daughter sounds like an amazing young lady, largely due to your influence.
By the way I talked with my son in Florida yesterday and he said that his dad was possibly going to buy the round trip ticket now but he would only spend one day with me if even that because his dad was paying for the trip. So even though it seems as if I won the fight I really lost the battle because he will control the holiday season and make it miserable for me. I am actually dreading this Christmas. I am really trying to figure out how to emotionally divorce my family.
At least your daughter is smart enough to figure things out. My children are so manipulated by their dad it is sickening to me.
Gracie, to answer your question, if the mom can be that indifferent towards her only child like described what is going to stop her from pushing her completely out of her life if I take the car. The mom can do nothing more to me.. The love of my life abandoned me, what else can I lose? The only way to hurt me is to hurt my child. And, she is capable of it. If she wasn’t I would have taken the car a long time ago.