When you have a calling from God it becomes your passion. My calling and my passion in life is to be a Christian writer. This has been my definition and my focus.

It has also been my torture.

To be a good writer I believe you must constantly question your existence. You must call into question every second which is wasted on something other than putting words on a paper. You live with a ghost of guilt for every moment you enjoy which is not dedicated to writing.

My mother recently said I must enjoy writing. I said, “Are you kidding me? Writing is pure torture. It may be exciting when I have penned a chapter in my novel which I think is powerful. Those times are few and far between. Writing is a horrible guilt filled occupation.”

Yet I continue to write.

Why? Because I believe that God is involved.

How can I be sure? Let me tell you about my journey as a writer.

I first started writing Christmas letters when my children were little tykes. I thought they were such remarkable little beings that someone had to record their antics. My sister said that I should take writing more seriously when she read these.

I had written plenty of research papers in college. My mother even told me that I should be a writer but I had never had a desire to write. So I didn’t write, nor did I pursue a journalism degree.

Soon after my children were born, my husband forced me to face the reality that our marriage wasn’t working. He filed for divorce and at that time I blamed him for everything. I can play the victim role better than Meryl Streep when I want to.

After my divorce, I became very involved in a Baptist church. I started writing plays for the single’s department. I also directed and acted in those productions. It was at this time in my life when I received the call to become a Christian writer in a dream. I spent a lot of time on those plays. I  eventually got burned out because I was not getting any income for them.

During this period in my life, I went to a Christian Writer’s conference out in Sandy Cove. I talked with an editor about writing a self help book for single Mom’s. He suggested I write a novel.

That was when the real journey began…

I started writing a novel to try and elicit sympathy for single mother’s. I set the fictional single Mom in a scene of spiritual warfare. I peppered the novel with humorous events and tried to draw the reader into the depression of a struggling single Mom. There was quite a bit of my own struggle and depression that leaked onto the pages.

As I continued to write my desire changed. My marriage had not worked. I thought that if I wrote the novel in the right way that  people would work harder on their marriages. That was surely a good and Godly desire right?

Well, I finished that novel and it was close to 400 pages in length. I gave it to a dear friend of mine who tore it apart in his critique.

I was crushed.

I had three options as to how to handle his criticism.

#1 – I could have let pride step in and say, “Who does he think he is? He doesn’t have even one novel published and he has no right to say anything bad about mine.”

#2 – I could have let depression and despair cloud my thinking and just thrown the whole idea out the window. However, I know what Jonah went through when he tried to ignore God’s calling. I personally don’t want to spend any time in the belly of a whale.

#3 – I could humble myself before God and ask Him for His input.

That is exactly what I did. I prayed, “God, I thought this is what you wanted me to write. I am trying hard to be submissive to your will but if I did this wrong, please tell me how to do it right.”

That is when I heard his soft whisper. “There is not enough of Me in this book. If this is warfare, the sides need to be more equal. There needs to be more of Me.”

I didn’t give it a second thought. I pulled the manuscript from publication and started afresh.

As I have continued to write this novel again, God has been so present. He has led me step by step along the rocky path of self indulgence and despair to the wonderful meadow of righteous desires.  Now my only desire is that this novel will bring people closer to Him.

Some who read this post may think I am crazy to throw away 400 pages of writing. I don’t view it that way at all. I think God was immensely patient and merciful to allow me to work through my own grimy mire of self pity and despair. He held my hand tightly as I bled out my pain on those pages.

Then He led me out of that darkness, shining His light to lead me on a path where all I wanted to do was lead others to Him.

Psalm 37:4 (NIV)