I can’t say why I pushed him away for so long. He kept trying to get me to talk to him or to go out with him. I kept telling him no. I was really very, very ugly and mean. You think he would have given up right?

NO! He didn’t. He kept loving me. I refused to go out on dates with him. He would send me cards with gift cards in them. I didn’t always read the cards but I never threw one away. I stuffed them in a drawer and figured if I ever got to the point where I could stand this man I would read them.

He wanted an exclusive relationship. I told him I had been in exclusive relationships most of my life and it didn’t really suit my personality. I wanted to date around. (That doesn’t mean sleep around, just date other men) I begged him to date other women when we first started dating. He dated a few and during the date he said he kept wishing it was me. (rolling my eyes)

Then he lost a lot of weight and got so totally hot I fell head over heels in lust with him. His abs made me swoon. He was a pure total hunk of hotness back then.

We both had hot tempers though and we were miserable at resolving conflict. We dated for close to five years with a lot of flip flops between not speaking to each other and telling each other we loved one another.

I never told him how much his anger scared me. I have been taught at a young age how to become invisible when someone is in a rage. I know that rage only knows how to rant and not how to listen so I would clam up.

Although he had a problem with anger, never once did he lay a hand on me. He never cussed me out either. He did call me the B word once but considering how I treated him I don’t blame him one bit. If he got angry he would stomp out my door. Sometimes that is the only way to deal with a situation and we had plenty of situations.

I am not saying that all of the times were my fault but I definitely need to take responsibility for what was my fault. There were many times I was insensitive and did not communicate well.

However after close to five years of dating we broke up and I had no lust left to resort to. I can honestly say I was finished and ready to move on. I didn’t miss him one bit.

I moved on to other men and went on several platonic dates. I mean I couldn’t just sit at home and waste away now could I?

He had a lot of hurt and bitterness and was starting to ruminate in it, when one night the Holy Spirit spoke into him and said, “You need to forgive her, deep down in your heart.” He said he could just feel the burden being lifted from him in that moment.

That dear sweet man then started pursuing God. He started a habit where he wakes up early, reads the Bible and prays every morning. You know who he mostly prays for? Yep that’s right… ME!

I still couldn’t stand the guy though. He started to text me these mushy text messages. He would tell me that God loved me. Yeah like I already knew that okay? I mean He did sacrifice His only Son, Jesus, for all the shit I have done in my life.

He would also keep saying that I was the love of his life. I figured that was his problem not mine.

I kept dating guys.

He kept bringing me gifts. My front porch would be loaded with gift bags some mornings. I appreciated the gifts but I really wanted him to just kind of disappear.

He kept praying for me and I kept hating on him. I mean he had lied to me a few times and there were other memories that kept knocking on the door of my mind that fed my bitterness.

Then some time ago I agreed to give us one last chance. It was  a make it or break it chance.

Just a few weeks ago I wrote a blog about how great I was at beating bitterness. That was a downright blatant lie.

I realized what a hypocrite I am. I could forgive others who had verbally and physically abused me.

I had almost forgiven my ex for all of the total crap he put me through over the course of knowing him.

Yet this man who had loved me more than anyone else ever has, throughout my whole life, I held in contempt.

He took every bit of hate I threw him and laid it down at the feet of Jesus and Jesus told Him to keep loving me.

I accused him of stalking me. Except the legal definition of stalking includes threats. He never once threatened me.

Somehow in my twisted reality I felt that unconditional love was a threat. Try telling that to a police officer. “Could you please get this guy to stop loving me?”

He kept praying and praying and would read the Bible every time I threw him a curve ball. Like when I scheduled a date with a guy friend right after spending an afternoon with him. That hurt him so deeply I almost lost him in that stupid move but he read the Bible and was comforted.

I think if I asked him to forgive me for all of the wrong I have done him I could  go on and on for years and years but he has such a sweet heart he doesn’t hold any of it against me.

The very coolest thing about his transformation is that he is so close to Jesus it is kind of like I am dating Jesus now. I am praying that I don’t fall into lust again because I still think he is the hottest man ever. It is just that this time around I want to fall in love, not lust. Because to fall in love with a man who is so close to God that he just emanates the love of Christ is the closest to heaven I have ever been.