Almost every year I spend more time than I want to getting ready for a garage sale. I hate every moment of the preparation. I usually don’t make that much money but I still force myself to do it.

I sort through my closet and pull out clothes which don’t fit me anymore, clothes which are in need of repair, or clothes which I haven’t worn much.

I have no problem getting rid of clothes, shoes or other frivolous items.

What I do have a problem with is sorting through the dirty laundry of my mind. Lately I have woken up in the middle of the night and my mind is caught with memories of betrayal, loneliness, and failure.

I have so many wonderful memories, why are those the ones that haunt me? It is because I allow them. I allow the self defeating thoughts to sit on the throne of my mind.

God should be on the throne, not thoughts of despair.

Yet in my darkest hour I thought about taking my life. I have thought about that at various times in my life but this time I actually envisioned the steps it would take to end my life.

I stopped the thought. How could I do that to myself?

If others hurt me, that was there problem.

I could not end my life because somewhere deep in the darkest chasm of despair I realized I loved myself. I had compassion for myself.

I knew that if I took my life it would be an escape but an escape to what? I don’t know what death holds for me.

I only know that God must consider me strong enough to live through this.

I realized that there were some things I needed to change in my life.

I needed to protect myself from the people who had hurt me.I needed to make new friends who would encourage me and build me up.

God has been active in that process and I have several people now in my life who are encouragers and have been placed by Him in my life.

I need to meditate on the word of God and fellowship with other believers.

I need to pray.

Whenever a self defeating thought comes to my mind I need to give it back to God saying, “It’s yours” as my new friend Erica has taught me to do.

I need to have a garage sale of the mind, sorting through the dirty laundry of failures, betrayal, and pain; tossing out that which does not support me and welcoming the memories which do.

There are many good people and many good memories that I have encountered in my life. I have people who love me that have hurt me terribly. I have to remember the times of love, not pain.

Somehow I need to achieve forgiveness for those who have hurt me. If I forgive them then the pain may stop.

It doesn’t mean that they will become good people, it just means that the bad that they intended doesn’t continue to wound my heart.

When someone says something to me that is horrible and mean I don’t need to let it soak into the crevices in my heart. I don’t need to replay it again and again in my mind.

When someone says something wonderful to me that is what I need to replay again and again and again.

Most of all though I must realize that God is present and loving in the pain as well as the joy but the joy is where I gain strength to throw out the dirty laundry.