As a little girl I realized that it made no difference if I cried or not. No one cared so I became determined not to cry in front of my family or anyone else for that matter.
My mother did many things well but she was not a kind person when it came to her words. So I would listen to her mean words and then put them away in my mind to rehash when I went to bed. Under the cover of darkness the tears would pour out.
I discovered a diary that I had written in 5th grade and it broke my heart when I read it. The first paragraph said,”This is the first time in a long time that I have not cried myself to sleep. Mom was actually nice today.”
I became an expert at bitterness, for when you hide painful insults and verbal abuse in your heart, forgiveness is impossible.
In the past I would do this with a former boyfriend. Sometimes memories still come back from that relationship. These memories are of times when I thought he had been too controlling or had disrespected me. These memories fed my bitterness and anger. In all truth it fed my hate.
Lately I have noticed that allowing these bad memories to surface causes me pain but does not affect the person who caused the pain. Feeding my bitterness is a lot of work, remembering all of the bad things done or said to me, can clutter my brain.
So I am trying to reprogram my thought process. I am trying to forget insults and verbal abuse. I am forgiving people and forgetting what they have done to try and destroy me.
My ex-husband said once that he had forgiven me for the hurt I had caused him in our marriage but he would never forget it. I dare say sir if you can not forget it then you have not made the first step towards forgiveness. It takes both. I should know because I am trying to forget all of the times when you hurt and mistreated me.
In doing so I am finally loving the little girl who cried herself to sleep so many nights. Forgiveness of others is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. It kind of makes sense that our loving heavenly Father has given this gift so freely through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. Doesn’t it?
I am so sorry for all the abuse that you endured as a child. No child should have to cry themselves to sleep. I praise God for the healing that He is doing in you. God bless you, my sister!!
Thank you. I think that may be why I have such a soft spot in my heart for people who are mistreated, especially children. You are right though, God is a God of healing and I rarely get ignored in other arenas, just with my family. I didn’t choose them but I can choose to disassociate from other people who are rude to me and that is what I do. God bless you too dear.