I have thought that I forgave him. I don’t think about what he did anymore. I have tried to stop discussing how cruel he was to me. Occasionally I bring it up when talking with a close friend but it is not a frequent topic of conversation.
A few weeks ago I was disagreeing with someone. This someone was somebody that both he and I love. This person started backing me up into a corner just like he used to when he didn’t get his way. I was at the point of tears, just like I had done when I was with him. I felt powerless, which is how I often felt with him. I was horrified to think that he may have had such influence on someone I loved so deeply that he would cause this person to treat me like he had treated me.
The fear, the pain and the rejection all came flooding back into my heart and soul. The wounds in my heart started bleeding profusely again. I thought that ignoring them would stop the bleeding. It didn’t.
This person whom I love had sent me a text and I thought it was threatening. I was still backed up in the cage of fear. My back was against the wall and everything was perceived as an attack.
Several days later I confronted this person that I loved with the tone of the text message. He said it was not threatening. I said I would read it again. I read it yesterday before I talked with the person I love and I didn’t perceive it to be a threat.
I became concerned with the disagreement I had had with the person I deeply love. I was not content with the way that we had responded.The thing that terrified me most was that I had gone back into the cage of fear. I had felt as if I was dealing with the same spiritual entity that had waged war against me in my previous relationship with the man who had been so cruel.
I realized what a phony I had been. If I had truly forgiven him the cage should have been locked, the wounds should have been healed.
I thought I had forgiven him and I realized I hadn’t even begun to forgive.
I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to truly love others I would have to forgive those who had never truly loved me.
Wow… I just wrote a posting about forgiveness to post this week when I read your blog. God is so good to forgive us and keep helping us to forgive since we are still a work in progress. Sometimes, it takes His supernatural intervention to heal some of these deep wounds. God bless you, my sister!
Forgiveness of others who have hurt us in the kindest gift we can give ourselves and others we love. It is a hard thing to accomplish full forgiveness and it takes more than sweeping it under the rug like I have done. Still working on it sister. Keep me in prayer please, asking God to clean out all of the dark places in my heart. Seems like it is a necessary thing to do to allow his love to shine more freely through my windows.