The word Narcissist is thrown around alot. The greatest thing about a narcissist is that if you are smart enough you can figure them out.
They are not happy unless they are taking.
They don’t want you to be in control of your own life, they think that they should be in control of your life.
They erupt into explosive rages when they are not being treated like the royalty that they think they are.
They can only see the good in themselves and the bad in you. The only other good that they can see is in someone who is a threat to you.
They are extremely manipulative and love to play the guilt card.
They make fabulous victims and they revel in that role, because really… the world is not good enough for them.
They take control of events and if it doesn’t go the specific way they wanted it to they will make it a very bad memory for you.
They complain about life and do not take responsibility for the choices that they have made.
They are a different person in public than what they are behind closed doors.
The thing is that if you grow up with a narcissist you may attract others to you. So you have to change some things about who you attract.
One episode of explosive rage is all you need to know there will be more. Walk away from that person. They don’t know how to handle their anger and conflict resolution is impossible with someone who is a rage addict.
If you find that you are losing the things you love, to appease the other person you are losing yourself in the relationship. No person who truly loves you will rob you of your passion, your material possessions or your precious time. Walk away and proceed not to contact that person again.
A person who has to use guilt in a relationship to get you to spend time with them is clearly not engaging enough to keep on the front burner. Guilt is never a good impetus for love.
Although narcissist’s can sometimes give, in addition to taking. They never give freely. They always want something in return and if you don’t give them that, then they throw a temper tantrum. Don’t take from narcissist’s, then they can’t try to guilt you.
Narcissist’s make excellent victims and blame everyone and everything else for their weaknesses. This essentially strips them of power in the situation but they lure other people into their net and try to make them take responsibility for their weaknesses. If someone has a sob story hand them a tissue and walk away.
I was taught by my mother to always be kind to everyone – especially the underdog. I try to be kind to everyone but I find that sometimes it is a matter of self preservation to pick and choose exactly who I should associate with.
All of the people who have betrayed me were underdogs at the time I befriended them. I find that as I mature it is better for me to associate with people who are successful, kind and compassionate. That not only take, but also give. Those are the ones I truly need to invest my time in.
The nicest thing about living with a narcissist is the blatant fact that they are blind to the reality of the red flags that they wave so well. It should only take one red flag waving to turn and walk the other way.
Unfortunately, Love and Commitment blind the uninitiated from recognizing these red flags. But as I look back over the last 25 years, they were always there. Before we were married I thought the raging was just a bi-product of the stress related to the wedding plans. The uncontrolled credit card usage I thought just a spoiled girl. 5 years into the marriage there was a rage attack, our first big fight where she called the cops to our house. There was not even the slightest possibility there could be physical violence but she called them anyway. That was really weird. And then there was the day she was at her mom’s all day while I did the lawn work and laundry. When she came home she accused me a being lazy. I was dumbfounded. All red flags. All made me feel bad about myself. And all of this before we had kids so I could have escaped much easier back then but I stuck it out for the next 20.
I can so relate. My ex boyfriend said that he was being a jerk for the last few years of our relationship because of his financial demise. It is amazing how they always can blame something else for their rage but he expected me not to ever get angry. I thank God that I did not marry him like he wanted me too. I could feel myself shrinking into something I didn’t even recognize. He still is begging for me to go back to him. My kids loved him and they would like for me to still be his friend but I think that would be a really cruel thing to do to him. I am not going to play him for the gifts he gives me. That is just wrong to do. If he wants to continue to put gifts on my front porch I will accept them graciously but it doesn’t mean I have to allow him back into my life as a boyfriend or even a friend.
I find though that over the past year after I broke up with him I have stopped attracting people into my life that are narcissistic. I now have positive people who build me up instead of tearing me down. Maybe I have turned a corner in my life. I hope so.
I wrote a post about attracting people into the wounds of your heart if they are not healed. Sometimes maybe the wounds have to be debrided by someone to get them to heal – like you have to recognize the traits. One book which really helped me was Dr. Henry Cloud’s book called Safe People. It gave words to all of the instincts I knew which told me to run.